again

each day
there is always something
more to say
it doesn't have to be complicated
or debated
only reiterated
on to this space
this place
that we can create
and filtrate all this
shit from the little gifts
that treasure our lives
that keep us synchronized
inspired eyes
visions of fire our desire
the passion we seek
the heat
never concrete
simply a moment
a glimpse of your world
an injection of mine
we have shared our time
drank our wine
that we delivered
this chaos
through veins of love
unconditional
keep it minimal
the distance is
invisible to the
haunted eyes
those whom devise
this separation
of the wise
and incredibly connected
easily redirected
to see this is a
secret society
of the
wild freak_e
techno sneak_e
a deliberated
display of technology
and love of art and play
I made love to you
this way
on the playa we play
and I wanted you
to stay
and continue these days
in my mind
all the time
as the moons
fade away
and each new day
brings you further away
in my memory you now play
keep it
stuck in this
digital message
a literal mess
a test
to see how much you want
to ingest
or invest
in our little mess?

interact or retract

your lack of response
of emotion
your lack of devotion
to what I say
how I feel
I left it out on display
and with no conclusion
you stray
go away
never to comment
on the delivery
of my heart in this way
then fuckit to you I say
I will send no more poems
your way
your lack of reaction
has not helped my distraction
and now this infraction
of response in prose
has soured my rose
you can't smell it I suppose
but there's no excuse for
your careless reply
fuck you make me feel
like I want to die
burry my head and hide
and all that I've cried
the others have said more inside
this blog here where I divide
my love and design
it's a fine line to define
my passion and art
are not here as a digital fart
your lack of respect for my art
has soured my heart
its a complex part
of this body
and what I start
is a bullet
a dart of lust
this much you can trust
this love of dust
and particles of compassion
I wish I could fashion to your ass
and inflait your state and help you relate
to this complex rate at which
I write, and lead this fight
please don't loose sight
of my love and all the above
cuz its you that I love
just frusterated with your lack
of words to interact
with my only way to kiss
in this twist of reality we exist

I love you
I hate you
I miss you,
Your late too!
I can't do this any more
worse than going to the store
to shop for my mind
and the time I want to define
dream of with you
I know it's fucking true
your lack makes me blue
blush when you interact too

But this decision to display prose in this way
has brought me much dismay
I don't send it to you
for you just to see
to hold, disregard
forget about me
I want you to feel
to hear my inside
this great divide you've carved inside
I wanted your response
your interest
your sense of thought
My disolusionment of your intenstions
my misguided directions
this is such a fucking infection
of my general direction.
My head will be on display
my heart will be heard each day
but you will have to find it now
keep track, look back this way,
I will send no more this day
or any other I pray
as I lay here and fight
this right to express
how rude you are to regress
and not invest
your very best
in a response of genuine respect is the test
you failed I guess?

clearly its

the numbers I remember
like the days of surrender
the memories complete
snow covers my feet
trailing paths of time
leaves fall as their color defined
beauty in the intricate design
an infrastructure with relative time
frost glistens on blades of green
it melts into drops of water clear and clean
so serene, a complex psychedelic dream
inhale the smell of change
and turn the page
just remember you set the stage
and the war you wage in this twisted cage
where you tie me up
and torture my soul
lead me on with your gentle beats
your hearts my treat
I fear your love
it's grip
can't dig what I've dug
you've bugged
and all I want is that hug
fuck the above.

day dreams

What does your silence bring
avoidance this thing
still your game?
How does it lead me to
a greater understanding of you
and us?
Are you planning something, Devious?
Are you innocently occupied,
busy with the mundane monotonous?
Do you know how I feel,
stuttering here,
in your wake?
Do you see you left something
"real"
that satisfied me too,
now I'm blue?
What to do?
What to do?
So I sit and dream of you....

Fire on my Mind

The smoke taints the air with the ambiance of the flicker from the fire.
The pillows lean gently against the beveled bricks that embrace the warmth from within.
The ashes floating lightly above the surface of the hearth misting the experience in microns of debris.
Shoes and coats line the edge of the heat parameter, evaporating their dank and chilled shell.
little toes protruding from pajama feet melted from the heat push, and pull eager to feel warmth.
spots of melted fabric are in alignment with the paths of sparks from flame throwing barks
this is where we said goodnight and where we greeted the day, and this heat I retain today.

Paradise

a place I long to be
simple I want this place to see
everyday pleasures
unspoken treasures
holding your hand
no worry or demand
I have a whole different plan
my vision is strange
to you it may seem
no money, no house
could replace what I need
a friend indeed
no need to feed this obsession
my paradise is your infection
I'll take the wood stove, or sand
its really about the direction of your hand
the collaboration of our plan
my existence with you
is my paradise to be fanned
and blown more oxygen
this flame has need to burn
and that is paradise I have learned

currents and tides

You are becoming a distant memory
the past, which I want to precede me
is slowly drifting behind me now
your moving slowly further away
day by day I stray
checking flights
tickets are part of the dream
a requiem it may seem
to you I am a delinquent thing
to me your smell and memory
are the treasures you left behind
cuz money it seems
may not be enough
for our time to combine
it will take a more creative design
can you bath me in your sweet wine
drench me with your sign
I love you, your mine

damm

I am awake again
the air is crisp and dank
there is a glowing haze rising in the east
the breaze a bitter pleasure
the colors this year seem forever
can you sense this endeavor
how the fog climbs my peaks
and shows you I'm still weak
how I long to hear your voice
to hear your breath discover
how I wish you were still my lover

?'s if you...

how much do you miss me?
do you think of me each day?
do you think of my lips remeber their grip?
do you struggle for a moment to remember that time?
do you stroke your while thinking of mine?
do you find each moment harder to define?
do you miss me more or less is the sign?
do you see me waiting for you in your mind?
do you wait for my call?
do you dream of my presense?
do you want my boy and all that it involves?
do you still need me now?
do you mean what you say?
do you want me to cum play?
do you wish for my hand to hold yours above sand?
do you have hope is our love?
do you still have passion for all the above?
do you crave my boot in that sex_e suit?
do you see were making love in that tree?
can you find time to speak more of your mind?

I remember fate

I remember the first picknic
our first kiss
I planted it like my fist
made love under the moon
our rhythm and tune sweet perfume
hiding under covers
trying to keep from being discovered
I remember the moment we met
and all the time we've kept
and yet I've wept
your moved and left
another quest
what do you suggest
I submit my list
it's delivery is simply time
take yours and I'll do mine
I believe if theres enough
then this won't be your bluff
lonely, wondering where this will go
digital to analog
mist into fog
can I post this fucking shit in my blog
in the end
its at least a log
of the place, and states
that I think of these dates
and how I use this to contemplate
my own psychological fate
in this relationship I still debate

this poem of mine.

The days are long
and time is an endless period
that I continue to endure
tripping over myself
taking new paths and
closing new doors
behind me
finding treasures in my own
looking deep
my insides grown
ceaseless are these lonely night
sweating chilled all through this
avalanche of emotions
question each devotion
reclaim my vision
redesign my livin
take the rhythms of motions
of our time times space
are we still dreaming of
the same intimate place
my counter is crossing
and ticking by seconds
this towns of the essence
and I still miss your presence
and in the present there is
my heart, my time
this poem of mine.

oooohhhaaaaaahhhhh......

I find my self disgusted with this mundane interaction
overplayed distraction whom you call friends
I don't even want to lend a hand, instead I fan this
simple rubbish into the air giving power to my soul
taking back my time, I know it will be long, thats fine
but in the end, the good will be there and help defend their friends.

fuckyouall_myspace

I am horrified when I see this careless interaction
this festering over the exploitation of
what you think is *friendship*
you people discuss me, all of you
each and every one whom resides on this network
posting comments about mundane stuff
wasting time checking to see
whose been doing what, when
these clicks bore me
and this tedious frenzy
like a high school flashback
must not be allowed to drain my energies
and poison my visions
with careless interactions
and misuse of those who truly care
I will not dare to walk
this dark and lonely path
I choose to withdraw and
redirect myself to a better
place for me to express my
artistic interests and navigate
the simple technologies instead
of this complete waste of my time.

accesscodes /2 me

I struggle to find words that describe my insanity
that reflect the critical analyst
and scared aggressor
of simple complexities
and irrational signals
that penetrate my thoughts

I am scared
of living this boring life
never loving again
not knowing what it all means
why I've done this and that
of not spending enough time
wasting too much
of caring too little
analyzing too much
regretting enough
being fucked up
having dumb luck
acting stuck up
addressing what's up
forgetting your love
stirring on all the above

I am hungry for
knowledge and consciousness
for your touch and embrace
to see your face
the desperate aching
to turn into baking sweet pie
the beautiful sky to swallow inside
i strive to describe
this vibe I can groove to survive
the flowers that root
and give me a chance to contribute
I hunger for justice
peace for the rest of us
the style of life
the image of rice
think twice
my love is hungry but not nice

so am I still a feminist
am I still independent
and strong
a model for other women
and I still intelligent and quick
slick with my wit
do you get it?
I wonder if I am still
me, have I found myself
have I the time
to take out of this game
a group of pawns
that I have no desire to play
I just want it simple
heavy and directly in tune
with this message I have sent
to myself and my love
that I still lament
its obvious I lay here bent
but its prudent
that I find
some sex with my piece of mind.

I have this message saved
in my phone
your voice I have to hear
I want to hear your mellow tones
your simple gestures
and powerful
I love you's
I listen to this message almost daily
and I couldn't wait to listen to it
when I got back to america
I listened for a new one
but there was none
there was just this old one
but somehow it still comforts me
as I lift my head
heavy with congestion
groggy I stumble through
voicemail
searching for your love
and your messages of love
that satisfy and console
my lonely heart.

I have been so sick
and so lonely
all I have wanted is to hear your voice
feel your touch
embrace your essence
if only through
wires and lines
they hardly describe
this need I have
my restlessness
is best described
by my lack of submission
to this solution
its all a big dissolution
and treason
I can't tell you any other reason
why you would hide
I think I'd rather die
without this pain
and loss
your gone yet
I am still fond
of this love
between us

Cusskid & JdaP European Story

Europe was incredible
there is too much to tell
but I can tell you this
I wore my pink fur coat
and my sparkle red flaming glasses thru it all
while jared packed his p_leather punk coat
and his attitude 2 boot.

Jared and I had the best time
strolling the Polish Country side
picking apples in the orchard
looking for mushrooms in the woods
taking bike trips through quaint villages
that surround my sister_in_laws family farm
the landscape there is littered with crumbled castles, cobblestone, and cathedrals
the polish wedding "catholic" was in Polish thank god
I would have been sick and disgusted
had I understood this shit, but
everything was perfect
just like my brother, it was beautiful in the "wedding" sense
flowers, village, church, bride, groom, and all the traditions...

anyhow,
Jared blossomed as a young man
I let him use a camera and photograph the wedding
he exposed over 4 rolls him self
He was polite to all the foreigners, but
he loves to cuss at my dad and brothers
he also loves to piss them off and call them on their shit
it was great, and annoying... :)
He grew a lot on this trip, learning about people, cultures and history.

So I was able to befriend some local techno heads, conveniently at the gas station at my hotel. I went back and forth from my brothers reception party which lasted 2 days at the hotel. (the first day on their farm before the wedding) All in my pink fur coat...
I have never drank that much vodka in my life and that potent
it was insane, all drinks were shots. (period)
there are no mixed drinks
a shot here, a shot there
we were toasting anything and everything at the end
thank god my brother's military friend gave me some charcoal pills
I was able to totally fuck my shit up
I was sick for at least 3 days
never again, it will be a while before I drink more vodka...!
everyone was just getting trashed and then dancing to a bad band on a bad sound-system.
I ended up hanging out at the gas station a lot more after everyone was drunk and jared was asleep, although he ended up befriending the boys there too.
They know him as the Cusskid
and they want to meet up and go to nowhere this summer (more on that later)

After the wedding my father, Jared and I headed to Krakow
the most popular city in Poland,
we visited the castle there
and Jared and I went down into the dreaded cave where
there once lived a dragon that terrorized the people of krakow.
Jared got a sword there and well you can imagine the rest
him bouncing off walls running about battling the air
it was all mighty cute... posing with his sword for pictures.

We also walked the central market in krakow
there were performers, venders, crafts, everything
it was very interesting, and surreal
I bought 2 pictures there from a street artist
drawings of the city
Jared and I bought a traditional polish chess board and some slippers for practically nothing.
We ate fresh bagels and drank tea as we watched the people gather and swell in the center of the city.

From here we headed to Auschwitz, this was very moving, important and well fucking frightening. This was the most profound place I think I have ever been. I was in a room where thousands of people were killed, mass murdered in gas chambers or by firing wall, starved in work camps, and tortured by Nazis. The size and massiveness of this terrible place, and to realize that it was not the only camp the Nazis had created, Just the one that was preserved. I was happy to find-out that it was free so everyone could see it and understand, that was great and very important. Poland has done a great job preserving this historical tragedy...and making it accessible to anyone and everyone. It meant a lot to my father because his father had fought in WWII and had visited Auschwitz just after the war. I felt like I was walking with him, my father, and my son it was very emotional although I didn't really show it. This was a great time of learning for Jared, he had a lot of questions and concerns and he still talks about it a lot. We are getting ready to watch Shindler's list and the dvd we bought on Auschwitz since were sick at home.

From there we drove through Check Republic in a downpour where I almost got arrested for not having the proper sticker, like a toll. and had to pay a fine of $20, after I argued, pleaded and played dumb with a Check female border person, all I had was the $20 US and some polish zlote which she laughed at.

Then a quick drive thru Slovakia and then into Austria, the most scenic place we visited. Beautiful mountains, already gathering snow, and of course the rain didn't stop. Jared was already sick and I was getting there with my dad. But it didn't stop us from strolling through small villages, shopping and touring museums. When we got to Salzburg there was a great castle. Jared and I took the pull lift up to it that was built in the 14th century and was run by horse power. The castle was built first in the 12th century but successive rulers kept building the castle up. This was the best castle, well preserved and beautiful, by far the best to see...it was out of this world, we saw the torture chamber, the private rooms of the kings and strolled through the several museums and galleries within the castle walls.

We left Salzburg wet and coughing and headed for Muchen, Germany to meet my brother for Octoberfest. Well I had alternative plans because I had contacted some European burners from there and they had invited me to go touring the city with them, they took me thrift shopping and I bought a Bulgarian traditional costume, and then out to two clubs at night. So I hung with these dj's from Muchen and they took me to a great reggae club where there friends were spinning reggae and doing live pa over it, and then to the most popular club in Muchen Harry Klein where their friend was doing video. Yes I hung with dj's and VJ's in Muchen and got in free to the clubs where cover was 10 euros. I guess my connections now run into Europe, but I am sure that doesn't surprise you. I saw and heard some amazing stuff that night and took the train to my hotel over an hour away alone, strolling in wet and sick at 7-am. Jared had stayed with my brother and father from 7pm on, it was a nice break. I was bummed that I couldn't dance the music was incredible. Well I did a little bit, but my ankle is still very hurt. :(

Anyhow that last journey sent me over the edge and we all got very sick after playing in the rain all day and night again. We drove towards frankfurt and found a small village to stay at for our last 2 days. We stayed in Werthheim the home of the small Octoberfest. Just north enough to get us out of the rain and small enough for us to do small trips to the quaint castle or to the market at the festival along the river. The castle here was beautiful, laid upon a forest hill overlooking the rivers that joined in this village. It was a great relaxing place to visit and spend our last few days with a cold. The town was know for blowing glass, and we visited the old glass museum with 12th and 13th century glass made in the castle. Jared was able to blow some glass and make a fun piece of art, a punk pig, with spik_e hair.

The flight back to the US was dreadful, long and exhausting, but I am glad to be home. Back from the doctors office we have bronchitis, now on antibiotics and finishing up our german herbal remedies. Jared has been ill since Poland and I since Austria at least but soup movies and a hot fire are all in the mix...